The Guru Blog (Part 2): Up Close And 'Nothing' Personal

In this life, there are all kinds of relationships starting with mother and father and extending to siblings, relatives, teachers, friends, lovers, children, pets, nature, substances, etc..I have been in relation with all of these from birth and the ones very close and dear to me, I have formed attachments to and love dearly but usually not without a 'little' condition. I feel this has been the general way of things from both sides of my relationships from day one. Who is exempt from this? We may have said, "I love you unconditionally cherie! " but this was probably not quite true, if we admit it. Somewhere in there a little voice says, "Yeah but.. if you disappoint, hurt me, or change in any way which doesn't fit my expectations of you, the deal's off".

I didn't know 'real' unconditional love until I found the One who didn't respond to a person who wanted a 'special' relationship but only saw the truth of my being. This is my guru. This one has no interest in my personal stories and is not impressed by any personal achievements or failures. I was simply not 'seen' in the usual way of appraisal. I was seen as a bright new dawn; fresh, innocent and with no history. This unconditional love has proven itself dependable for the two years I have been in this 'relationship'. In this exceptional love, all I can do is be who I truly am without identifying with the self centred person who needs and wants but rather, see myself as the One reflected in the guru's eyes.

Initially though, I became VERY attached to the form and the ideas I had about the one who points to the reality of life beyond the concepts and delusions of the ego's world. I approached this meeting like any relationship when first falling in love; full of the desire to be loved back and to have recognition and confirmation of my worth. That's all I knew! It is a normal reaction and almost always happens for both women and men. There's no shame in this, it is just part of past conditioning. It is tribal, in a way, so is really part of a collective history. There is a sense that acceptance and approval is required to ensure we are protected by our tribe who love us and not exiled into the wilderness of savage beasts. This tribal brain functions as a basic survival instinct.

It was quite heart breaking when I first realized that this relationship was 'nothing personal'. However, it was and remains always loving and compassionate. The day this happened, I was in Rishikesh, India where I had come. through a miracle (really, if you knew my financial circumstances!), to take part in the annual season of yoga festivals and satsang* gatherings during which, I attended five weeks of open satsangs with Sri Moojiji. My guru Anantaji (Mooji's beloved spiritual son) was also there to attend these gatherings and after following his online satsangs for ten months, we met in person for the first time. I was ecstatic to meet the one I had been calling Father and who gave me the beautiful name 'Shanti' which means 'peace'. I spent a blissful time in his presence, sharing satsang with our Master Sri Moojiji in the mornings and later in the evenings again in satsang with Father and other sangha** members who came from all over the world. It was heaven on earth. Imagine, like in the days of Christ or Buddha, walking along the Ganges with an enlightened being and then stopping to sit on the Ghats of the holy Ganga to hear the wisdom of the sage in the company of other devotees, all there for the divine message and to ultimately discover it within.

The joy and love of his presence was no match for this human heart and the day he left Rishikesh to go back to Bangalore, I couldn't say 'good bye'. I didn't know when or if I would ever see him again and I felt so overwhelmed with the grief of loss, I went to Mother Ganga and sat on her banks and cried over the personal love which was so painful and prayed to let go of this childish attachment knowing that, like all worldly attachments, it doesn't last. And in her unconditional love and compassion, she washed it away along with my tears, offered to the holy river in sincere surrender.

Once the suffering caused by the erroneous ideas of a special personal relationship, (that ties the knot with 'I will never...', 'you will never...' or 'I will always...', 'you will always...') was seen and dissolved, there was a relaxation and deep peace that remained. A stronger love spread beyond the boarders of the tiny world inhabited and protected by a fearful and possessive dictator. The honeymoon period ended as it should have and since then a trust of the guru's grace is the only attachment left along with devotion to a higher truth revealed through the guru and a commitment (vow) to follow and absorb His wisdom with gratitude for the blessing of his unconditional love.

I was lucky enough to be granted a second miracle and went again to India this year to attend the season of satsang with Sri Moojiji, where I was once again in Father's presence and spent one week in a silent retreat at Tiruvannamalai with my international brothers and sisters who came as I did to receive the same unconditional love and wisdom that flows from Him without any restraint for the ones he calls His children. Om Arunachala Om! Jai Bhagavan! Bhakti yoga***is showing this one that the reflection of the living master is also the constant presence that is felt within this being.

* 'Satsang' meaning: 'to be in association with truth'. These are gatherings where one is guided by the guru, teacher or spiritual preceptor into the self discovery of their true nature through talks given by the guru where questions can be addressed. It can also be an event of devotional singing and chanting. Also, generally, it is any experience which has helped one to 'evolve', so to speak, as a result of the life circumstance they encountered after having enquired into the situation.

** 'Sangha' meaning: A sangha is a community of 'like minded' people who meet (in satsang for example) on a regular basis to share the guru's or teacher's pointings. 

*** 'Bhakti yoga' meaning: A devotional path to Self-realization

Dearest One

I honestly don't know how to love You.

It is not the love of a woman toward a man.

It is not the love of a daughter for a father.
It is not the love of a sister and brother.
This love has no physical or material reference and therefore is very hard to express.
The only way I can show or demonstrate this love is to follow your pointings, knowing they are sourced in this very love.
I want to 'return' this love to it's source which I cannot touch but only sense as ALL THERE IS.
I follow You and the Truth of your expression because it is the closest this one can get to the Love that comes from the source of all Creation and comes back to itself through a pure Heart such as Yours.

~ May this Love be recognized as my own and may all who look for love find this One True Love

May all beings find peace

Om Shanti Shanti Shanti